five

i came to a realization the other day. for the past few years i remember feeling really sad at the beginning of the year, that the year wasn't starting off well, and thought it was just my being all miserable about my birthday and getting older, and then the other day it just hit me like a ton of bricks...some really horrible, traumatic things have happened in my life over the past 10 years right around christmas and the new year. my dad was diagnosed with cancer in the beginning of december in 1997, he died a little over three years later, just 5 days after my birthday in january...he made it to the new millenium.

just when you think things are getting back to some semblance of normal, life comes along and boots you in the teeth again. not quite two years later, i got a call from my mom. it was a week before christmas. we had a conversation that contained the words 'ultrasound', 'chest xray', 'malignant' and 'inoperable', to name a few. she was such a brave and strong woman. she just said 'it's no use crying over it, it won't do any good, it's done now.' i came home for a visit a couple of weeks later because i knew there wouldn't be much time. there wasn't. we lost mom not even a month later, on february 11th, two years and almost one month after dad passed. it was a monday morning, and i got a call at work from my sister, and i remember stupidly saying 'but i just talked to her yesterday...', as if that would make what she had just told me untrue. i held it together long enough with my coworker to get out of the office, thinking i could get in the elevator, and start crying, but when the doors opened there was a man standing in the elevator...i remember trying so hard not to burst into hysterical sobs, so as not to scare the living crap out of this poor man, who had no idea why i would be so upset on a monday morning, and even found myself making absurdly polite small talk with him about the weather, all the while thinking to myself, 'this is what it feels like to really go insane.' and praying for the elevator to get to the parking garage so i could just get into my car and fall apart.

it's silly because i'm a grown woman, but i said to my sister at her house after the funeral that we were orphans now. not like some dickensian version of orphans, no, but i still felt like a small child that was all alone in the world. of course i wasn't, i had cee and his family, my brothers and sister, and all our family, and some really wonderful friends to support me and share in my grief. but at that bleak moment i couldn't see any of that and i felt so hopelessly all alone.

i dream about my parents all the time. at first everything is great and we are all happy, and then all of a sudden i will realize, in the dream, that something just isn't quite right...most times i will figure it out in the dream, but sometimes i just travel through the dream with a vague feeling that i'm missing something. i have a theory that it's part of the grieving process. last night i dreamed that mom and dad were going out for a walk with chopin. when i woke up i smiled.

my mom always was proud of what i made, even when all i could make was an uneven granny square. she was so impressed when i finally learned how to follow a pattern to make a baby afghan for a friend. i've progressed far beyond that now, and even learned to knit since mom passed. i like to think of her smiling down every time i finish something new, and even sending me some inspiration when i really need it.

this is my latest finished project. a knitted jacket and hat, made with gifted yarn (thanks pammy!) the pattern was a freebie project sheet from coats & clark. i loved the look of it, but the sizing made me laugh, size 6-12 months...that's quite a large variation, no? it's been a while since i've been around a baby, but i do remember them changing a whole lot in size between 6 & 12 months. cee's one comment about it was to ask if i ran out of buttons...i think it's supposed to be like a matinee jacket or a sacque...really i followed the pattern, it only buttons up at the top.

there are many cables and a 'plume' (looks like a feather and fan to me) pattern, so this kept my interest while i was making it. i like patterns with different stitches because i get so bored knitting stockinette row after row.

you can see the yarn a little better in this picture, as well as the pattern.

i think mom would like this set.